First Post

I have decided to start a blog for various reasons.  I found it therapeutic to write in the journal on Baby Jackson's Caring Bridge site.  I went back the other night and read through all that Allen and I had written.  I was finally ready to go back and see the ups and downs.  I miss Baby Jackson so much.  Allen and I went to the columbarium to visit his ashes today.  The fresh flowers were still there.  The sweet baby's breath wreath was still on the stone.  It is all still so fresh, so raw to us.  We are dealing with it as best we can.  Today was the first day since the memorial service that I had showered before 5 pm and left the house.  I have been trying to get Austin on more of a schedule and get him to sleep more.  The poor thing has been drug around for the last 6 weeks.  I know it has had an effect on him.  He hasn't been sleeping great during the day or night.  He's been really fussy.  The last two days, we just stayed home and cuddled and spent time together.  I have really missed him over the last 6 weeks.  I did not take the time to really spend good, quality time with him, and for that, I am sad. I am hugging him tighter now and not wanting to put him down (I think he senses that because he won't let us put him down during the day!). 

Austin is doing great though!  I have been taking pictures of him weekly next to this lamb stuffed animal to show how much he has changed.  He is quite the eater!  We can't wait to see how much he weighs tomorrow when we go to the doctor.  The day that Jackson died, we came home, and I held Austin so tight.  Out of nowhere, he looks up at me with his innocent little eyes and really looks at me in the face.  It was as if he was telling me everything was going to be ok.  He had never done that before.  He even smiled at me.  It was as though Jackson was talking to me through his brother, telling me he was ok up in Heaven. 

On the night of Jackson's memorial service, Austin rolled over for the first time!  He was playing on his activity mat on his tummy and rolled over onto his back.  He has done it one other time since then.  I am hoping we will get it on video soon.  He is so sweet right after he eats.  He will look up at me and give me the biggest smiles.  He is such a precious Gift from God, and I can't wait to watch him grow!